2010 Mass Update

So I started this particular blog for COMMS 239, but recently decided to include personal bloggings as well.

So Here It Goes. 2010: Year In Review. Hold on tight because "it's gonna be a bumpy ride!" (Please read in Jamaican accent: think HP3 Knight Bus).

CAUTION: This is probably way more than you're bargaining for.

Also note that yes, it's going to be divided up into months/people I've dated. That's just how it's categorized in my mind.

ACT I.
January: Dated two losers who used me, woohoo! Had a nice chat with a roommie and we decided to become better people that were more assertive with ourselves and that we weren't going to let guys walk all over us anymore. This change in attitude has had a great positive effect on my life.

ACT II.
February 13-April 28: Enter Boy #3
I will describe this as the blissfully happy part of my year. Absolutely crazy in love. Made killer grades. And the world could not have been more beautiful. Marriage came up. We set a date.

ACT III.
April 28-August 27: I cannot possibly describe this accurately. Worst Summer of My Entire Existence pretty much sums it up. Never again. So horrible. I was at home for the summer, he was in DC and later Atlanta working. I went to visit him twice. Our relationship was simply phone calls. I thought all things considered we were doing pretty well, but I was a wreck.
I'm going to take this opportunity to apologize to my family. I was not myself this summer. I don't know who that empty, cold person was, but it wasn't me. I was so depressed. But I didn't think my own absolute unhappiness would affect anyone else. I am so sorry. I literally felt like I was missing a significant piece of who I was.
Halfway through the summer I felt him forgetting me. Sometimes I wondered if he still loved me. I passed it off as him simply weirding out because it had been so long since we had been together. I kept holding out for the end of the summer so we could get back to normal. I thought it would be unfair to both of us to break up during the summer.

ACT IV.
August 27-29: Worst Weekend of My Entire Existence.
Back up a few days. I'd just driven to Utah from Texas as the sole driver. That's a good 22 hours of driving. Needless to say, I was burned out. Back to the 27th: I was not very nicely pressured into driving to Lake Powell to spend the weekend with the boy and his family. I really felt that if I didn't go I would lose him. Though I was so exhausted, I made the drive; I thought it was a sacrifice I just had to make. I brought with me an old roommate. Let this be a lesson to everyone: It is a woefully moronic idea to have 2 girls drive a long distance by themselves. There is not a word for how stupid that idea was.
So we drive. We get lost. I get hysterical. I get a speeding ticket (I never speed, ever!! It was soooo awful). We finally get there and his sister screams at me. I cry. It was a really brilliant beginning to a wonderful weekend.
Rest of the weekend: Something is wrong and I know it. No one is talking to me. He won't even talk to me. I am terrified. Can't eat, can't sleep.
Sunday night we all drive back to Provo. I find a girl's number in his wallet. I feel so great.
He comes over for dinner, we don't talk. We go on a walk. He dumps me. The end.

Oh but had it been the end!

ACT V.
September: I met all my roommates the day after I got dumped, coincidentally the day school started! I really believe it created an instant bond between me and them though. And I'm really grateful that if it had to happen, it happened when it did. I got to start the semester fresh:) I actually did incredibly well all things considered. The first week I didn't eat or sleep, but fortunately that can't go on forever and I slowly regained an appetite. (I lost weight though! Bonus!)
I seriously was recovering quite well. Until he started texting me again.
September was just, messy. It's really not OK to talk to the person you crushed and tell them you think you made a mistake and that you miss them and that you wish they were the one for you and you the one for them and that you're still in love and oh my gosh just rip my heart out all over again! NOT FAIR.
This set me back considerably. It was like that first week all over again. Let it be known that I absolutely hate crying. And I was a mess.

ACT VI.
The Present:
I recognize that good things have come out of this crazy(!) experience. I am so grateful that I am no longer in that relationship. I sincerely wish it had been me that had ended it.

I am happy now. I hadn't been happy in months, but I am so happy now.

I've learned many things. I have a greater understanding of the principles of agency and of personal revelation. I have a greater appreciation for the wisdom of my parents. (I have a seriously incredible family. They have been my unfailing support through everything this year, and I am stronger because of their faith in me.) I am more aware of the things I need to be careful of. I know better what I am looking for. I have a better understanding of my own capabilities- my strengths, and my weaknesses.

Have I mentioned how happy I am now?? Really. It hasn't been easy. In fact at times it's been excruciating. I have had nights I didn't know how I was going to get through. I've had days where it takes everything I have not to start crying randomly in public. But I'm not having those days anymore; I am recognizing the value of this experience. I may never understand it fully. But that's OK. Because I'm OK.

For some reason I feel like I have to convince anyone reading this that I'm really alright. Maybe it just helps if I reinforce it for myself. But this is how it is: I don't miss him. He used to be my best friend, we used to talk all the time, but I no longer miss him. What I do miss is knowing where my life was headed. It's an extremely difficult thing to reconcile within yourself what you want the most and reality. But that's going to be OK, too. I'll just keep working on myself and preparing for when reality decides to be friends with my dreams. And if it never happens, well... that's tough, but it'll be OK as well. I've already got my cats:)


This part's for you Lauren
I did 30, 15 for yesterday, 15 for today.


Reasons Why I Love BYU (in no particular order):
1. Chocolate Milk (ok, that one is in order:D)
2. Modest clothing
3. Clean cut men
4. Clean language
5. Our usage of acronyms
6. Having church in classrooms
7. The mountains:) I don't have any at home, so I get to appreciate them while I'm here
8. Not one, but TWO Jamba Juice locations on campus!
9. Free bowling at the Wilk
10. Campus itself- It's gorgeous.
11. The dances are actually fun
12. Ducks! I enjoy watching them.
13. This is a love/hate: I hate that there's a housing monopoly, but I love that pretty much everyone lives fairly close
14. South of campus housing- this is where it's at. I can't say I've met anyone I particularly like that lives elsewhere....
15. COSMO!!!! He's fantastic. Best mascot ever.
16. BYU fudge
17. BYU mint brownies (they're how I survive Thursdays).
18. It's as close to Hogwarts as I'll ever get.
19. Prayers at the beginning of classes
20. The Daily Universe Police Beat
21. Divine Comedy
22. The Hip-Hop Club: they're pretty rad
23. The fact that I fit in child's medium BYU shirts:)
24. The Harold B. Lee Library
25. The snack zone
26. The 5th floor: It's where I get my studyin' on.
27. Modest swimwear at the apartment pool/hot tub
28. The fact that anything and everything is/can be a date.
29. L&T
30. Professors and Faculty that bring up gospel principles in subjects you had never considered.