Doyle

I had a Doyle moment this morning.

I saw two quails running around outside my apartment and I immediately had the thought that I should call Nana and tell her.

I miss her.

At a loss.

I've been at a loss for words for the past week. Family members have updated Facebook statuses, but I just didn't know what to say. I still don't.

My heart is hurting because my Nana, my mom's mom and last living grandparent, passed on today.

She had been on vacation in Portland with my aunt and her family when she got sick. Hemorrhagic Pancreatitis. The first day in the hospital looked grim and I went through several stages on grief all at once.

I was unbelievably sad. I hadn't seen her in months and was coming home that very day- why couldn't she have been in Texas where I could see her?

I was angry. I have a very few people in my family that are able to be at my wedding ceremony, and now she is gone. I had been looking forward to going through the temple with her there. She never even got to meet the man that I love and am going to marry. And I'm sad he never got to meet one of my favorite people.

And then I was in disbelief. I just couldn't accept what was happening- it couldn't be. She was a healthy person now in the ICU with a drinker's disease- why? I had fully expected her to live to see my children. I never even talked to her about my engagement. ...I've been feeling really bad about this, that I hadn't talked to her in a while, but my dad reminded me that phones work both ways.

And then she started to turn around- the news was good, we started talking about her return to Texas, she was released from the ICU- I grew hopeful that even if she was not 100%, she could hold on for just 4 months to see me get married- I realize my feelings have been very selfish- I just really wanted to talk to her again, and I hate that she knows the guy who treated me the worst but never got to meet the one that loves me best.

But things didn't stay hopeful. She got pneumonia and it finished her. I am glad she was able to go peacefully with both her daughters there. I am glad that she is reunited with her husband, her siblings, and her parents. However, I am not sealed to my Nana. But I do not think the rest of us can leave this life without being sealed to her. I look forward to the day we go to the temple to eternally unite our family together.

And though I know we can be together for all time, I will still miss her for the rest of this earthly life. She is a wonderful person who truly loved her family and those around her. She was a hard worker. A bird watcher. A believer. Someone wise and caring who tried her best in all things. She was and is a wonderful example to me of how I want to live my life. She was my support. She is a disciple of Christ.

I hope to feel her presence near me throughout the rest of my life. I pray that I will know she is there in December. But until I join her, I will miss her.

I wish I could have told her one last time that I love her.

Shirley Wodraska was my grandmother. She passed away today. But I will see her again when she welcomes me home.