At a loss.

I've been at a loss for words for the past week. Family members have updated Facebook statuses, but I just didn't know what to say. I still don't.

My heart is hurting because my Nana, my mom's mom and last living grandparent, passed on today.

She had been on vacation in Portland with my aunt and her family when she got sick. Hemorrhagic Pancreatitis. The first day in the hospital looked grim and I went through several stages on grief all at once.

I was unbelievably sad. I hadn't seen her in months and was coming home that very day- why couldn't she have been in Texas where I could see her?

I was angry. I have a very few people in my family that are able to be at my wedding ceremony, and now she is gone. I had been looking forward to going through the temple with her there. She never even got to meet the man that I love and am going to marry. And I'm sad he never got to meet one of my favorite people.

And then I was in disbelief. I just couldn't accept what was happening- it couldn't be. She was a healthy person now in the ICU with a drinker's disease- why? I had fully expected her to live to see my children. I never even talked to her about my engagement. ...I've been feeling really bad about this, that I hadn't talked to her in a while, but my dad reminded me that phones work both ways.

And then she started to turn around- the news was good, we started talking about her return to Texas, she was released from the ICU- I grew hopeful that even if she was not 100%, she could hold on for just 4 months to see me get married- I realize my feelings have been very selfish- I just really wanted to talk to her again, and I hate that she knows the guy who treated me the worst but never got to meet the one that loves me best.

But things didn't stay hopeful. She got pneumonia and it finished her. I am glad she was able to go peacefully with both her daughters there. I am glad that she is reunited with her husband, her siblings, and her parents. However, I am not sealed to my Nana. But I do not think the rest of us can leave this life without being sealed to her. I look forward to the day we go to the temple to eternally unite our family together.

And though I know we can be together for all time, I will still miss her for the rest of this earthly life. She is a wonderful person who truly loved her family and those around her. She was a hard worker. A bird watcher. A believer. Someone wise and caring who tried her best in all things. She was and is a wonderful example to me of how I want to live my life. She was my support. She is a disciple of Christ.

I hope to feel her presence near me throughout the rest of my life. I pray that I will know she is there in December. But until I join her, I will miss her.

I wish I could have told her one last time that I love her.

Shirley Wodraska was my grandmother. She passed away today. But I will see her again when she welcomes me home.

The Greatest Gift

What is the greatest gift you have ever been given?

I've been thinking about the best gift I've been given a lot lately.

Now, just so no one thinks I'm a heathen, yes the Atonement would have to be number one along with the truth of the gospel and the gift of the Holy Ghost, but with that disclaimer aside, there is something else in my life that could never ever be replaced by anything or anyone else. And maybe this gift will change someday when I have kids or something, but I kind of doubt it because it has shaped so much of who I am.

I am incomplete without this gift. I would be a entirely different person had I never been blessed by it. And I'm extremely grateful to those who made this gift possible which must include both Divinity and my parents.

The Greatest Gift I have ever received in my life is actually two amazing gifts. My sisters.

I've been missing them a lot lately, and it really is hard to be so far away from them.

So, Julie & Lauren, you are my favorite people. I am most me when I'm with you. I suppose our siblings could have been anyone. But I can't imagine what my life would be like if we didn't have each other.

We haven't all lived in the same house now for about 12 years, and it will probably be about 50 more until we're little old ladies, wearing matching outfits and wide-brimmed hats sipping lemonade on our big porch (probably with binoculars close by for bird watching), but won't life be a fun adventure? People say they can't wait to grow old with their spouse, but I can't wait to grow old with my sisters. We'll be as crazy as those who came before us and I don't give a hoot. We'll have earned that right.

Someday, I'm sure we'll bury one another. But we know we'll see each other again, because no matter where life takes us, we're stuck together:) And it won't be sad because our lives will have been full, because we have each other and many others to love. Plus we'll have hilarious stories to share so people will remember what we were like when we could still touch our toes. And at the awesome party we'll have (because we'll celebrate the life each of us had, not mourn that one has started a new journey) Lauren will show off her awesome moves and say "In my day we danced like this."

I love you. Both of you, an insurmountable sum.

My sisters are the Greatest Gift I've ever gotten.

Dear World,

I don't hate you, so why have you conspired against me today?

Ok. I take it back. Today wasn't all bad. In fact, some parts were incredible. But some events have left a dark shadow over the rest.

I could be really negative about everything and be angry for a long time, but that doesn't help. So I'll try to look at the possible silver linings. However tiny they may be.

So about today....

I may be contracting chemical pneumonia from all the toxic crap I inhaled this morning for cleaning checks.

I can't paint my nails to save my life... (not a big thing, but I did once have a major emotional breakdown and my nails happened to be the last straw, so... significant in its own obscure way).

I found out my gums are growing and threatening to overtake my back molars (=PAIN).

Beekman 1802 Autumn scented soap.

Amazing hair day.

Got a really great job that I'm excited about.

May be able to take another class Summer semester, for FREE.

Mother Nature.

Got lost on my way to my cousin's wedding reception (Congratulations Sharon! Love ya! You're beautiful).

Got even more lost on our way to Park City. Which we never reached BECAUSE...

Possibly (Beyond a reasonable doubt) blew a front gasket.... overheated car, long tow truck ride home.... I'm expecting a bill that well exceeds my net worth...times ten.

However, on our "detour" the weather was beautiful and the scenery idyllic. Even if we almost did make it to Wyoming...

Our truck driver was really nice. Good guy. I hope good things come his way.

And even if my car has given up the ghost (the cost of repair is half the car's total worth, if not more), somehow it will all be OK. And as much as not having a car would suck, a tiny part of me would be relieved to see Penelope go. I've cried over that car far too often lately. But don't tell her that, another, more practical, part of me wants it to be a cheap fix;) but I probably shouldn't get my hopes up.

If I ever saw you again...

I would run through piles of swarming fire ants...

I would jump off twenty foot concrete walls...

I would sprint through speeding cars...

to get away from you.

How do I know this? Because I dream it.

Taking Chances

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world

I am not my illness...

...but unfortunately, I sometimes can't figure out who I would be without it.

I've mentioned it before, but I suffer from depression. There's really no point in trying to hide it, people can freak out and run if they want, it doesn't change anything. Several family members and close friends deal with it as well, so at least I know I'm not alone in my struggle, though it often feels that way. For those who have never dealt with it, I really can't see how you could ever sympathize, so please, just don't try. I am convinced you have never really understood hopelessness until you have stood in front of the mirror facing a depressed and self-loathing self. And I'm sick of people telling me that happiness is a choice and that if I just slap a smile on my face and decide to be happy, happiness will follow. It's really not that easy sometimes. Yes, on a normal day with regular situations and an unaffected self, Tolstoy's statement: "If you want to be happy, be," is absolutely true. But when chemical imbalances come into play, the playing field completely changes. I know all about slapping a fake smile on my worn out face. How many people actually figured that I often truly believe that I am too difficult to love, and that I'm so broken no one would ever want me? I try to put up a show. I cover it up with a sarcastic and highly-inflated view of myself that I push on everyone I meet, hoping that someday I'll actually believe deep down that I AM wonderful. I try to pretend that there's nothing wrong with me, that I am determined enough to overcome this trial. But let's face it. I've been in denial. And it's time I get help and fix this.

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of hurting those I love because of it. This thing that plagues me, it isn't me. It's some crazy genetic flaw that is holding me back from becoming all that I was meant to be. It's a barrier between me and life. It's a constant source of grief and despair. Being super busy with school, particularly reporting, helps. But I'm not reporting right now. When I am alone, I feel restless. Anxious. Unhappy. Being with others is a distraction, but it does not heal. And this sickness prevents me from getting too close.

This tendency towards anxiety combined with my fraught relationship past makes me doubt and question everything. I had really hoped that by now I'd be fine, but the harm that was done to me continues to haunt me. I'm always nervous that someone else will hurt me in the same destructive way: I expect them to think that I'm not worth it and that their rejection will once again confirm that I'm such a terrible person no one would want to be around me (I'm not sure some people realize how much of a detrimental affect their careless words can have on a person). And even when a person is so unbelievably nice to me, an undeserving companion, and tries their absolute hardest to make me happy, I can't figure it out. I stress over so many variables (all on my crazy end of things, because, of course, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the other) that I don't know what to do. I clearly still have issues within myself I have to figure out, and it's just not fair to drag another person through this mess. They deserve so much better, and I wish I had it in me to give it. But this outside thing prevents me from understanding myself and my needs and my wants. I don't know what's right or what I should be doing, and I feel consumed by this anxiety.

So, I'm alone. Exactly where I expected myself to be years ago when I realized the potential consequences of this thing I will always battle. I will probably never be perfectly right. But that doesn't mean that this is who I am.

PS. I am so sorry. I think I might love you, too. And I really wish I knew what to do.

PPS- to everyone else: I feel like I need to explicitly say this because people often wrongly interpret hard stuff like this post. I am NOT a potential physical harm to myself. I also already seek help for my condition. Thank you.

Last day in Texas

I've been home in Arlington for the past week, I leave tonight, and of course I didn't do everything that I wanted to which included reading books and applying for jobs and writing something in my journal and playing with the baby more and pretty much just organizing my life and wrapping my head around the fact that in a year I will be a real person out of college and expected to take control of my future. But one thing that I did do well was eat;) I hit up all my favorite spots only available at home: Taco Bueno (Mexican food so crappy it has to be good), Braums (I have yet to find a chocolate shake in Utah that I like as much), Davids BBQ (Texas bbq, nuf said), and this little old school Kolache place where I swear you can taste the love in the pastry.

I wish I could've gone shooting with my Dad, I haven't gone in forever, but he did take me to the driving range which I could definitely get in to, and I'm excited about going to the range with Skyler this summer.

I LOVE Texas, but I kind of doubt I'll live here again for a while. I'm not really sure I can handle living at home anymore... I'm used to being my own person up at school and it's really hard to come back home and have my time monopolized by everyone else, plus I don't have too many people down here any more that I could hang out with. At home, everyone still treats me like a kid, and I get it, I'm only 19, but I'm also much more than that. How many 19 year-olds are seniors in college? (We won't delve into the fact that there also probably aren't too many 19ers that have already had a failed engagement, but that has had a huge impact on who I am right now).

I just love being at BYU. If we could only combine the Utah summers and Texas winters, mountains in the distance and BIG Texas skies, red rock and bluebonnets. BYU plus a big city. I've been joking about BYU LA for a while now... I think it's genius and I will fondly pronounce and refer to it as Beulah.

I've enjoyed being home, spending time with family, catching up with my best friend from high school, and playing with my cats, but I'm really anxious to get back to a certain someone tonight. I got to meet some more of his family last night which was way fun. I think it's funny that I've met his grandparents, aunts and uncles, a few cousins, his mom and a couple siblings, but he hasn't met any of my family yet. His mom, sister and brother-in-law met my whole family last night on their way to their own Easter dinner. I'm really glad I got to meet them; it was a quick visit, but I get the feeling that I would really enjoy being around them. And now if Tatia ever reads this, she shouldn't feel like a stalker at all because we've met:) Plus, I'm like a professional stalker: broadcasting has honed my creeping skills.

Anyway, I'm excited to get back to school tonight. This should be an interesting semester; I've never taken classes Spring semester, and it's weird to think that in a year I'll be done!