I am not my illness...

...but unfortunately, I sometimes can't figure out who I would be without it.

I've mentioned it before, but I suffer from depression. There's really no point in trying to hide it, people can freak out and run if they want, it doesn't change anything. Several family members and close friends deal with it as well, so at least I know I'm not alone in my struggle, though it often feels that way. For those who have never dealt with it, I really can't see how you could ever sympathize, so please, just don't try. I am convinced you have never really understood hopelessness until you have stood in front of the mirror facing a depressed and self-loathing self. And I'm sick of people telling me that happiness is a choice and that if I just slap a smile on my face and decide to be happy, happiness will follow. It's really not that easy sometimes. Yes, on a normal day with regular situations and an unaffected self, Tolstoy's statement: "If you want to be happy, be," is absolutely true. But when chemical imbalances come into play, the playing field completely changes. I know all about slapping a fake smile on my worn out face. How many people actually figured that I often truly believe that I am too difficult to love, and that I'm so broken no one would ever want me? I try to put up a show. I cover it up with a sarcastic and highly-inflated view of myself that I push on everyone I meet, hoping that someday I'll actually believe deep down that I AM wonderful. I try to pretend that there's nothing wrong with me, that I am determined enough to overcome this trial. But let's face it. I've been in denial. And it's time I get help and fix this.

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of hurting those I love because of it. This thing that plagues me, it isn't me. It's some crazy genetic flaw that is holding me back from becoming all that I was meant to be. It's a barrier between me and life. It's a constant source of grief and despair. Being super busy with school, particularly reporting, helps. But I'm not reporting right now. When I am alone, I feel restless. Anxious. Unhappy. Being with others is a distraction, but it does not heal. And this sickness prevents me from getting too close.

This tendency towards anxiety combined with my fraught relationship past makes me doubt and question everything. I had really hoped that by now I'd be fine, but the harm that was done to me continues to haunt me. I'm always nervous that someone else will hurt me in the same destructive way: I expect them to think that I'm not worth it and that their rejection will once again confirm that I'm such a terrible person no one would want to be around me (I'm not sure some people realize how much of a detrimental affect their careless words can have on a person). And even when a person is so unbelievably nice to me, an undeserving companion, and tries their absolute hardest to make me happy, I can't figure it out. I stress over so many variables (all on my crazy end of things, because, of course, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the other) that I don't know what to do. I clearly still have issues within myself I have to figure out, and it's just not fair to drag another person through this mess. They deserve so much better, and I wish I had it in me to give it. But this outside thing prevents me from understanding myself and my needs and my wants. I don't know what's right or what I should be doing, and I feel consumed by this anxiety.

So, I'm alone. Exactly where I expected myself to be years ago when I realized the potential consequences of this thing I will always battle. I will probably never be perfectly right. But that doesn't mean that this is who I am.

PS. I am so sorry. I think I might love you, too. And I really wish I knew what to do.

PPS- to everyone else: I feel like I need to explicitly say this because people often wrongly interpret hard stuff like this post. I am NOT a potential physical harm to myself. I also already seek help for my condition. Thank you.

Last day in Texas

I've been home in Arlington for the past week, I leave tonight, and of course I didn't do everything that I wanted to which included reading books and applying for jobs and writing something in my journal and playing with the baby more and pretty much just organizing my life and wrapping my head around the fact that in a year I will be a real person out of college and expected to take control of my future. But one thing that I did do well was eat;) I hit up all my favorite spots only available at home: Taco Bueno (Mexican food so crappy it has to be good), Braums (I have yet to find a chocolate shake in Utah that I like as much), Davids BBQ (Texas bbq, nuf said), and this little old school Kolache place where I swear you can taste the love in the pastry.

I wish I could've gone shooting with my Dad, I haven't gone in forever, but he did take me to the driving range which I could definitely get in to, and I'm excited about going to the range with Skyler this summer.

I LOVE Texas, but I kind of doubt I'll live here again for a while. I'm not really sure I can handle living at home anymore... I'm used to being my own person up at school and it's really hard to come back home and have my time monopolized by everyone else, plus I don't have too many people down here any more that I could hang out with. At home, everyone still treats me like a kid, and I get it, I'm only 19, but I'm also much more than that. How many 19 year-olds are seniors in college? (We won't delve into the fact that there also probably aren't too many 19ers that have already had a failed engagement, but that has had a huge impact on who I am right now).

I just love being at BYU. If we could only combine the Utah summers and Texas winters, mountains in the distance and BIG Texas skies, red rock and bluebonnets. BYU plus a big city. I've been joking about BYU LA for a while now... I think it's genius and I will fondly pronounce and refer to it as Beulah.

I've enjoyed being home, spending time with family, catching up with my best friend from high school, and playing with my cats, but I'm really anxious to get back to a certain someone tonight. I got to meet some more of his family last night which was way fun. I think it's funny that I've met his grandparents, aunts and uncles, a few cousins, his mom and a couple siblings, but he hasn't met any of my family yet. His mom, sister and brother-in-law met my whole family last night on their way to their own Easter dinner. I'm really glad I got to meet them; it was a quick visit, but I get the feeling that I would really enjoy being around them. And now if Tatia ever reads this, she shouldn't feel like a stalker at all because we've met:) Plus, I'm like a professional stalker: broadcasting has honed my creeping skills.

Anyway, I'm excited to get back to school tonight. This should be an interesting semester; I've never taken classes Spring semester, and it's weird to think that in a year I'll be done!

pink

I'm in a Pink mood.

My birthday is on Thursday and I just bought myself a fabulous new pink top to wear. Thanks to Maren for going shopping with me last night and helping me with the purchase...It's not something I would normally wear, but it looks sooo good with my super dark short and curly hair:) Do I plan on catching someone special's attention with this? absolutely.

Last night was lovely. Shopping with Maren was fun and even relaxing. I was in a pretty silly (pink) mood and may have gotten samples of all the Hollister cologne;) My room now smells like a sexy guy, and I love it. I have a serious weakness for cologne (worn in moderation of course). After shopping I dropped Maren off and went home to a delicious chocolate cheesecake I made. I really wanted to watch Vanity Fair, but an arising circumstance led to my banishment to my room. But even that turned out alright; it's been a long time since I had a night just to myself so I took the time to paint my nails (pink) and update my iTunes library. Then I went to sleep...blissful sleep at a perfectly decent hour.

I'm really quite content with my life right now. Reporting makes me oh so happy, despite the stress, and I gain a huge sense of accomplishment and fulfillment and validation from my work.

I'm dating a lot more than I have been, and I'm enjoying just getting to know people. So far I don't have any particular desire to be in a serious relationship, but that's just fine. I'm happy with where I am.

Oh the things we do

First off, I really enjoy being goofy with my roommates super early in the morning. I wake up between 5 and 6:30 on any given day and then Jodi and Brittany get up about 7-7:30. Then we're silly until we part for the day. If only we could get Ashton to wake up early with us. Our apartment would be a riot before most anyone else even thinks of embracing the day.

Yesterday we had the shower-gel-NOT-lotion incident, and today Brittany and I discovered we are on the exact same wavelength when it comes to primping for our potential love interests. She made a comment about the exorbitant amount of bottles taking up about half the space in our already tiny 2x2 shower. We normally just have a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner, so, 4 bottles. But this morning we each had 2 bottle of shampoo and 2 bottles of conditioner, plus other smaller bottles like facial cleanser and shower gel (as opposed to our usual routines of bar soap). Thus we had 11 or 12 bottles in our shower.

When she mentioned how ridiculous it was in there, I explained that I got out the extra bottles of product out yesterday for my lunch date. She laughed and said she used different shampoo/conditioner because she was seeing a cute guy, too. And then we realized both of our extra-special hair products were Herbal Essences.

Maybe it's not that funny to anyone else. Or maybe it's not funny because the sun is up and shining, but it was hilarious this morning. How did we both come to the independent conclusions that we should switch shampoo for these guys, and at that, that we should use Herbal Essences in particular??

We discussed how we don't think guys have a clue about how much effort we actually put in. We bend over backwards, primping on every possible level, down to the very brand of shampoo, just for them. These cutiepie guys should feel privileged. We don't especially analyze every layer of clothing, skin care, and hairstyle for just anyone.

I read good

So this morning after a gloriously hot 6am shower, I began my primping for a lunch date with a super adorable law student (excited much? absolutely). I was putting on this lotion that my lovely roommate got me for Christmas when I felt the urge to read the bottle. I had wondered why this lotion seemed of a rather thick consistency, and lo and behold, this bottle of "lotion" is really "bath and shower creme."

I've been using shower gel as lotion for a week.

I read good.

Citizen Responsibility

Last week we had a shortened class with Sister Walton about What Citizens Should Expect From the Press.

We outlined Six things in the Citizens' Bill of Journalism Rights
1. Truthfulness:
"The process of verification-how news people made their decisions and why-should be transparent in the work so we can judge the value and fairness of the information for ourselves."
2. Proof that the journalists' first loyalty is to citizens:
"This means stories should answer our needs as citizens, not just the interests of insiders, or the political or economic system." This principle also requires transparency from the news organization.
3. That journalists maintain independence from those they cover:
"While journalists need not be neutral, we should expect they will not have divided loyalties. If journalists get too close to those they cover it only makes it more difficult for them to understand or convey all sides. Secretly counseling or writing speeches for sources is an example." This also includes being objective and considering all sides.
4. That journalists will monitor power and give voice to the voiceless:
"The press should use its watchdog power to uncover things that are important and new and that change community thinking. The news media should not squander this constitutional freedom on sideshow or pseudo scandals that research shows may build an audience."
5. A forum for public criticism and problem solving:
"News providers should offer several channels for public interaction--be it letters, e-mail, phone contacts, or public forums--including mechanisms for readers and viewers to make story suggestions or raise criticisms." A broad range of views should be represented, not just the extremist views.
6. News that is proportional and relevant:
"Journalists should use their special access to put the material they gather in a context that will engage our attention and also allow us to see trends and events in proportion to their true significance in our lives." Journalists should also be cautious of giving the right amount time and importance to stories; major news stories should be treated as such and not made light of, and smaller stories should not be expanded to give undue weight to their contents.

In class, Sister Walton divided us up and assigned us one of these six principles to discuss.
Our team was given the Right and Responsibility of Loyalty to Citizens. It means to us that our job is to serve the public by providing the public with the information they need and deserve. And that this priority should be above all others. We need to show the audience that we care about them. We need to understand the gap, and we need to listen to our public.

"Citizens have an obligation to approach the news with an open mind and not just a desire that the news reinforce existing opinion, but be willing to accept new facts and examine new points of view. Citizens should help journalists if they can, so that important news can see the light of day. Citizens have a responsibility to show up at the public forum and be active.


The marketplace fails if we as citizens are passive, willing to put up with a diminishing product. News should not only engage us but also challenge us and make us think"
-Sense and Goodness

Beautiful

What a beautiful, beautiful thing today is. Let me make Note here that I just woke up from a nap, so of course everything is lovely to me:)

I gave a fantastic presentation in English today. Seriously, I feel so grand about it. Such a weight lifted off my shoulders; all my projects are DONE and now I just get to face finals.

Counseling today was fun. I'm so grateful I have moved past the times of delving deep into the pit of despair to discover the sources from whence the murky waters flow. I believe I have successfully stopped those up. And certainly I was not alone in those efforts. Here I will diverge to tell a fascinating little bit:

This past month I have seen such a significant improvement in my level of happiness. I can attribute it to perfectly wonderful friends, absolutely beautiful family members (a strange descriptor, perhaps, but that's how I feel. My family is beautiful. The wisdom, strength, and love they have given me is the most beautiful thing I have ever encountered), fabulously uplifting books, gloriously intelligent professors, and truly inspired leaders.
At tithing settlement on Sunday, my bishop asked me if I am happy and how I've been doing. He of course knows what a difficult semester this has been for me. I was excited to tell him that I've seen such progress within myself these past few weeks. He asked me if I thought indexing (Family Search name indexing) had anything to do with how I felt.
Quite an interesting thought I had not considered. Yet, it matches up perfectly time-frame wise. I started indexing a month ago, and since then everything has gotten so much better for me. He promised us at the beginning of the semester that indexing would be a spiritual experience for us. And I truly believe that it has been.

So instead of making me cry for an hour in counseling today, we analyzed the crazy things that regularly happen in my life. I'm quite an entertaining person. Anyone who I've ever divulged life stories to I'm sure can attest to that.

And after school and counseling was done, I came home and took a beautiful nap. The best part was that I didn't have to wake up to my alarm clock:) Instead I woke up on my own to Little Women (one of my go-to sleep-time movies). What a beautiful, beautiful film. I even shed a few tears (I think it's a very good day when something beautiful moves you to tears). It got me thinking two distinct things: I miss my sisters so incredibly much. And I really want to be in love. Someday. With the right person. And that thought got me thinking about the essence of love itself and I came up with this:

Love: feeling safe being vulnerable with someone. Is there a more exquisite emotion? I miss it so much. And despite the complete, soul-ripping heartbreak it has afforded me in times past and I'm sure will warrant again in the future, I long for it. I want to dive into it.

So that's my beautiful day thus far. It has left me with a supreme sense of satisfaction as well as a dull pain in my chest. And that's why it is beautiful. Beauty is in the longing.